Beginning Again: Michelle
by ShannonSto
Summary: My take on the thoughts of Tony and Michelle during the 4th Season. This is Michelle's story. TM, of course.


**A/N:**This is my take on the thoughts and feelings of Michelle during the Fourth Season. If a scene doesn't involve Michelle, it's not addressed here. A parallel fic features Tony's feelings. I'm not yet certain if this will be be continued to cover the rest of Season Four, but I have begun working on the hours _after_ the season ended. This particular episode just seemed like the place to start since it was the first featuring both T and M.

**Spoilers: **Seasons One through Four. I live in the land of Denial, where Season Five never happened. It's a beautiful place :-)

**Disclaimer:** Like I said, Season Five never happened, so I clearly don't own anything remotely connected to the show.

"_When you walk into a hailstorm, you have to be decisive."_

_Michelle Dessler_

**7:00 PM**

Michelle Dessler strode across the CTU floor with Secretary Heller at her side. She was all too aware that her former husband had fallen into line behind her. She could feel his eyes boring through her. She kept focus in front, mentally inventorying the staff. They didn't appear receptive to her; she clearly would have her work cut out for her.

Secretary Heller brought the staff to attention. "For those of you who don't know, this is Michelle Dessler. She'll be taking over as acting Director of CTU effective immediately. Tony, I appreciate you carrying the ball until Michelle got here. Why don't you bring her and everyone else up to speed?"

For the first time in six months, she locked eyes with Tony. She struggled to focus on his words rather than his appearance.

For his part, he appeared very uncomfortable as he began his sumary.

"Yes, Sir. Less than an hour ago we discovered that the man responsible for planning today's attacks, Habib Marwan, has been a long-term employee of McLennan-Forster, the third largest defense contractor in the country."

He spoke with his arms folded across his chest and abdomen protectively, his words monotone. Michelle didn't notice, but when his arms moved to his sides then back to his chest, her movements unconsciously mirrored his.

He continued flatly, offering a concise but complete account and finishing with the electromagnetic pulse bomb.

It felt like eternity, but soon the impromptu meeting was over. He turned to walk away.

"Tony," Michelle stopped him. "I need the access codes for CTU and Division," she stated matter-of-factly, determined not to allow him to get to her.

He fished into his pocket and produced the card, holding it out for her. A slight charge shot through her as their fingertips touched ever so slightly when the card changed hands.

"Thank you."

"What do you want me to do?" The question was multi-layered, whether or not that had been his intention. She was determined to stay on task.

"Division's sending over a supplemental list of terrorists who supposedly had contact with Habib Marwan. I want you to check any names that have been flagged by other agencies, including overseas."

Tony shifted nervously, evidently dissatisfied with the assignment. She knew the task was a waste of his abilities, but she simply couldn't trust him. Could she? At any rate, she needed to watch him to determine what he was ready to handle.

"Given what's happening right now, it doesn't seem like the best use of my time."

"It has to be done," she responded shortly, "and I'd like you to do it." _That's it, stay strong._

"Michelle," Tony insisted, "Jack and Paul have information that could be vital to ending this crisis. I should be helping to find them."

She attempted to turn away from him, and he grabbed her arm. "Michelle."

In a flash, her detached professionalism gave way to anger. He had his orders, and he needed to back off. Surely he knew why she didn't trust him.

She pulled her arm back and seethed "The last time I saw you, you couldn't stay sober long enough to keep a job."

"That was six months ago," he defended immediately.

"This is what I need you to do," Michelle stood her ground. "If you don't like it, you can resign." She regretted the challenge instantly, but couldn't help but feel on many levels it may be better for both of them if he did, indeed, resign.

"I'm gonna need a security clearance."

"I'll make sure you get a level three."

"Level three? I used to have a six."

"Right now, all you need is three," she shot back icily, then moved away.

She left Tony and ran straight into Audrey Raines.

"Is there a problem with Agent Almeida?"

"No, not at all," Michelle lied.

"It's just that Secretary Heller is very sensitive to personal conflicts on the job," Audrey pressed. "I know your history. I know you guys were married, and that he sacrificed his career to save your life, but if this is gonna be a problem I..."

"His being here will not affect my work," Michelle snapped defensively. Why was everyone challenging her? She knew better than anyone what Tony had lost because of her. Why couldn't they see that in order for her to walk away from him after all of that, she must have had a good reason? "I won't let it. Now if Secretary Heller wants to speak to me about it, I'll be more than glad to."

**7:15 PM**

Michelle was playing catch-up on the logs and reports when Curtis summoned her to Sarah's station.

"This chopper's flying through the dead zone. Not one of ours," Curtis informed his boss.

"Police?"

"No," Sarah replied, "not one of theirs, either. I checked."

"We wouldn't have picked it up if it wasn't for its electronic signal," Curtis noted.

"Where's it going?" Michelle asked.

"Straight for McLennan-Forster."

Sarah offered another idea. "Is it possible that it could be some sort of corporate rescue chopper?"

"No," Curtis replied, "they would have given the police their call sign.

Tony's voice broke into Michelle's thoughts. "No, it's on a search and destroy mission," he advised. "A chopper that size carries twenty men, fully armed."

"Who would have sent it?" Sarah queried.

"Whoever set off the EMP," Tony explained. "They're going after Jack and Paul. McLennan-Forster's been training mercenaries for years."

Michelle frowned. There was a possibility that he was right, and she knew she'd better be prepared.

"Contact our field teams in the air. Let them know about the intruding chopper."

**7:26 PM**

"Can I speak to you for a moment? It's important."

Michelle looked up to see Sarah standing before her.

"Okay, um, I don't have much time."

"You're aware I was falsely accused of leaking information earlier today?"

"Yes, I saw the report."

"Erin Driscoll didn't talk to you about it, or leave a memo?" Sarah persisted.

"Her daughter died today," Michelle replied. "I think she has other things on her mind."

"I understand, but there are some things that still need to be handled."

"What things?" Michelle's patience was wearing thin.

"Well, she promised the accusation would be expunged from my record, and I'd be bumped up two paygrades as compensation, so I just want to make sure that will still happen."

Was this girl for real? Didn't she know the gravity of the events of the day? While what happened to Sarah was unfortunate, it was over now and did not merit priority over finding Habib Marwan.

"I'll look into it," she assured her, "but not today."

"What happened to me was an outrage! If you don't do something to resolve it right now, I'll go directly to Secretary Heller."

Michelle rose to her feet. She was not about to be bullied by the likes of Sarah Gavin.

"Secretary Heller does not run CTU. I do. And I am ordering you to go back to work."

"Not until you assure me the false accusation will be expunged and my pay grade changed," Sarah called her bluff.

Unfortunately for her, Michelle wasn't bluffing. The last thing she needed in her first minutes on the job was outright insubordination.

"I need security to station one," she said into the telephone.

"Security? What for?"

"I need people whose minds are on their jobs. Yours isn't."

Security came quickly to escort Sarah out of the building. Only thirty minutes had passed, and Michelle had already had three confrontations. She knew before she arrived that she was stepping into a difficult situation, but she hadn't quite expected this much resistance.

She made her way over to Curtis and Edgar. "Miss Gavin won't be working with us any more. I'll need the two of you to divide her workload."

"We're stretched pretty thin as it is," Curtis protested. "Everyone on the floor is either up to their necks already or not qualified to replace Sarah. You may want to reconsider."

"And what about Agent Almeida?"

Michelle's glance over at Tony, who had his back to her, wasn't missed by Curtis.

"Michelle, we can use the help. And he's already proved himself useful today."

Tony could handle the job in his sleep, she knew. She really couldn't pinpoint why she was so loathe to utilize his skills. She picked up the intercom.

"Agent Almeida, please come to station six." _ Agent Almeida?_ Why didn't that feel right to her?

He reported immediately. "Yeah?"

"You'll be working with agents Stiles and Manning for the rest of the day," she told him flatly, then turned to Edgar. "Edgar, I need you to call up Sarah's protocol's, check the configuration, make sure they're accurate."

"Okay."

Edgar and Tony proceeded to do as instructed.

"I'll advise internal stations of the personnel change as well," Curtis offered.

"Give me an update first."

"The zone's still pretty quiet except for emergency vehicle chatter," he began. "There is no sign of Jack or Paul. CTU Tac teams are standing by, but the best we can do is spread them around the perimeter and wait for some sign of Jack."

Again, Michelle was caught off-guard by the intrusion of Tony's voice.

"I think that's a mistake," Tony spoke up. "We should consolidate our teams, be ready to meet strength with strength."

"And where would you place them?" Curtis challenged.

"At the McLennan-Forster Building. Jack won't be far from there." Met skeptical stares, he elaborated, "Look, he knows we won't be able to find him without help. He's gonna help us by starting a firefight. I know the way he thinks. Now the hostiles would have to break radio silence when they attack. When they do, we can follow the signal straight to where he is."

Curtis remained unconvinced. "He's gonna deliberately engage an entire team of commandos?"

"It's the most efficient way to be found, and he's gonna expect us to be ready for it."

Michelle briefly considered, then announced her decision. "Stick with the original plan. Cover the perimeter."

"Michelle," Tony protested.

"If we send all our troops to one location and you're wrong," she reasoned, "Jack and Paul won't survive an attack. But if we cover the perimeter, we may have a chance to save them. Do it."

She was in charge now, and it was incumbent on her to make the decisions. She had to do what she felt was correct.

**7:34 **

"Audrey," she greeted as she approached the blonde's station.

"Yes?"

"Could you let the DOD know that we've piggy-backed onto local law enforcement channels in the blackout zone? I told them earlier we might need to use their feeds."

"So you don't need it anymore?"

"No."

"All right, no problem."

Michelle felt she owed Audrey an explanation.

"Um, look, I didn't mean to be confrontational before. It's just...when you walk into a hailstorm, you have to be decisive."

"I understand," Audrey searched for the right words, "and I know where you're coming from. I think that you're making the right decisions, but..."

"But what?"

"I think that you should reevaluate your professional opinion of Tony."

"Why's that?" Audrey seemed to be an objective third partý, so Michelle found herself curious as to what the woman had to say.

"This morning Jack had nowhere to turn, and he went to the one person he knew would come through for him, and that was Tony. Tony saved our lives."

Michelle stole another look across the floor at her former lover and confidante. "I didn't know that."

"After that, we just spent a couple of hours with him," Audrey continued. "It's true, Tony does have a lot of issues, but he is good at what he does and I think that we could use him on a day like today."

First Curtis, now Audrey. Was it true? Was she using her personal feelings as justification to sideline someone who could be a very valuable player? Tony had done an excellent job running CTU in the past, and just may deserve another chance.

Guilt gnawed at her when she considered her personal attack on Tony earlier, one which publicy degraded him. They needed to all be on the same team. She couldn't allow the operation to suffer.

"Fair enough."

Audrey moved close to Michelle's ear, ensuring privacy for her words.

"And business aside, he still cares about you."

**7:38**

"I got you those perimeter teams you asked for ready to go," Tony told her as she approached.

"Thanks." She paused, then continued, "Tony, look, I just want you to know that just because I overruled you a few minutes ago doesn't mean I don't value your input."

"Don't patronize me, Michelle." His face contorted angrily as he turned his back to her.

"I'm not," she told him. She was trying to make things right, but it wasn't going well. "Look, you ran CTU for two years. Anything that you have to say, I will consider seriously."

After a tense moment, he turned back to her and said defiantly, "Don't worry. I'm gonna tell you what I think whether you want to hear it or not. All right?"

"Good."

**7:43**

"I think we found them."

Most of the agents on the floor, including Michelle, Tony and Audrey, gathered around Edgar's station.

"See all those signals on the ground? Each one's a radio, all using the same frequency," Edgar explained.

"That's because they're planning an attack," Tony said simply.

"They converge on their location on Flower and Third about a quarter-mile from McLennan-Forster," Stiles said.

Curtis shook his head, an expression of shock clouding his face, "You were right. He's actually drawing them in."

Michelle's blood ran cold as the color drained from her face. _Oh shit, what have I done? _Her worried eyes met Tony's angry, frustrated eyes.

"Infrared's picking up automatic weapon fire outside of the radio transmission," Edgar noted.

"How much longer before our teams get there?" Audrey demanded.

"The ground teams are closest," Curtis answered. "They'll get there first."

"When?"

Curtis frowned. "At least five or six minutes."

Five or six minutes? Two men were supposed to hold off twenty for five or six minutes? If they had gathered their teams at the McLennan-Forster Building as Tony had suggested, they'd be just a quarter of a mile away rather than the miles that now stood between them and Jack.

**7:49**

"The gunfire stopped," Edgar announced.

"Are the teams on site?"

"Not yet."

"McLennan-Forster commandos could have taken over the location," Curtis mused.

Concern clouded Michelle's face, "Which means they might have taken the information back from Jack and Paul."

The Director decided to go to her office to update Division, while Curtis would take care of notifying the teams on site.

**7:54**

Michelle fidgeted anxiously in the upper office. She had made her first mistake, and it was a big one. Had her judgement been clouded by personal conflicts? Tony had known the correct course of action, and she had completely discounted his opinion. Her logic seemed sound to her at the time, but now she was questioning everything. Marwan aside, Jack had been a good friend to her and she had failed him. The sick feeling in her stomach grew.

Division returned her call and she quickly updated them. Tony entered the office and waited for her to finish. He no longer appeared angry, just...uncomfortable. She hung up the phone.

"Jack and Paul are okay," he told her.

"What about the information?"

"We don't know if Jack has it yet, but even if he does, we don't know that it's gonna bring us any closer to finding Marwan."

"Well, we know that McLennan-Forster's involved. That should yield some leads."

"Well, that's gonna have to be worked up here because McLennan-Forster's computers were all knocked out by the EMP."

Here was a good chance to give him an assignment more suited to his expertise, and she wasn't going to miss it. "You wanna head that up?"

"No," he began slowly, "you know what? You should probably let Curtis handle that."

"All right, I will." Caught off guard by his declination, she could do nothing but nod in agreement.

She knew that there were things she needed to say to him, things he deserved to hear, but the words didn't seem to be forthcoming.

She looked into eyes and noted the obvious uneasiness. He, too, appeared to have something else he wanted to say.

Michelle was the first to speak.

"I shouldn't have said that earlier about your drinking," she told him contritely. "That was out of line. I'm sorry."

He didn't respond for several long moments. His eyes darted from side to side.

"You don't owe me an apology," he told her softly. He crossed his arms and shifted his weight as if in physical pain. He continued, each syllable more difficult than the one before it. He wore the expression of a man walking on broken glass.

"My life right now...let's just say I've been better, and, uh, quite frankly...seeing you here today has only made things worse."

Her heart was breaking for him. And, if she were honest, for herself. Her life hadn't been as she'd envisioned either. It cut at her soul to see him in such emotional agony. She never wanted anything but for both of them to be happy. When she ended their marriage, she sincerely hoped that he would find himself again, yet here he stood, a lost and broken man.

"Look, I'm gonna leave, uh, get out of your hair and let you do your job, all right?"

He turned to leave. He had reached the door and grasped the handle when she called after him. "No."

Tony looked back at her, leaning on the door handle as if it were the only thing holding him up. _Oh God, you can't let him leave! Give him the respect he deserves, dammit!_

"We can't afford to lose you. Not today," she said.

"You're sure?"

"Yes," she choked out. "Yes, I'm sure."

"All right."

He stole a last uncertain look over his shoulder as he descended down the stairs. She fought back tears as she watched him disappear from view.

**7:59**


End file.
